I wonder

Are there ever times you just sit and wonder? I wonder about everything and about nothing and all things in between. Today is a wondering day. It’s a day where I feel like I am in a cloud of my own thoughts and I can’t focus on anything around me because I am distracted by wonder. These wondering thoughts are both good and bad, both happy and sad, both confident and questioning. It’s myriad of wonders that float around in my head, really. Have you ever had days like that or is this just me? Am I the one that has a hard time focusing because I keep thinking to myself, “I wonder if….”?

Now, the weird thing is that I am undoubtedly an external processor. I think outside my head. Seriously. I think by talking and by writing, but mostly by talking. So to have days where I am continuously wondering and being distracted by my wonders are rare for me. Part of me really relishes in these days because they are so out of the ordinary for me. I rarely find myself distracted by my own thoughts, but more by the world around me. So today…I wondered.

I wonder what life is going to be life for me once school is done. I wonder how fast or slow the next 6 weeks are going to be. I wonder why I haven’t thought much about getting myself to South Africa. I wonder if that’s because I have so much going on before then that I need to get through. I wonder why I am so sleepy…and I wonder why I am so hungry. I wonder what Seth is doing right now. I wonder if he’s thinking about me. I wonder why he’s not answering my texts. I wonder why the enemy uses us to frustrate each other. I wonder why God made it good for us to live in community with one another. I wonder if I am truly living in community. I wonder if I am truly being me. I wonder what other people think about me. I wonder if that’s bad to wonder. I wonder if other people are having as hard a time paying attention to this lecture as I am. I wonder what makes one an expert and worth of lecturing. I wonder what I am an expert in. I wonder if people ever thought I was going to be an expert in something. I wonder if I ever thought I could be an expert at something. I wonder if have some letters after your name makes you an expert. I wonder if I need more letters after M.A. I wonder if that’s enough. I wonder what I would even consider a doctorate in. I wonder if that’s what God has for me. I wonder why He’s opening doors lately I’ve never thought about even knocking on, letting alone walking through. I wonder what that means. I wonder what’s changing. I wonder when we’re going to get a bathroom break in this class. I wonder what we should eat for dinner. I wonder what I would do if I had no food. I wonder….I wonder….I wonder….