Do you ever get that feeling? It’s that in between of kinda bored, kinda wound up? Where you have too many projects to do or finish and no ambition to do either? I’m in that mode. It’s a beautiful day outside – I wish I had a hammock to swing in while deciding why I feel antsy. Alas, I don’t. Instead, I’ve opened the window in the office and I am sitting in my swivel chair, and let me tell you, swinging in a hammock isn’t nearly as nauseating as swing in a swivel chair.
But back to the antsy. It’s this feeling in the pit of my stomach…but not the bad pit. The good pit, if there is one. I’m not entirely certain as to what is contributing to this feeling, but I have a couple of ideas. Reflecting on the idea that I’m still me in this new year, I have to face the fact that this year, things are going to change. It seems like I started at Fuller just yesterday, but in 6 months, I’ll be graduating. That’s weird. I’m going to walk across a stage, get a diploma, and toss my hat in the air in such a short time. Wait…do we toss our hats in the air in grad school? Are we too refined for that? Anyway, in my spirit, God’s doing something. He’s preparing me to be done with school. That preparation is making me antsy. I know I still have 6 months to go, but I feel like God’s giving me all these plans for when I am done.
When I started Fuller, God made it very clear to me that this was a two year process. I knew there were big things planned for me and my life, but God knew that I wanted to take time before those big things to go to Fuller and soak up the knowledge of professors and peers. So I have and I am. And I am loving every bit of it. But this isn’t the big things. Don’t get me wrong, this time at Fuller has been big, huge, monumental, and radically changing for me in so many areas of my life. But Fuller isn’t everything. Fuller isn’t what I was created for. And knowing that Fuller is coming to a close makes me antsy. Can I really put into practice the things I’ve learned at Fuller? Can I take the knowledge I’ve gained and use them to benefit my spiritual life, my work like, my church life, my married life?
I have a lot of things still to finish at Fuller – the three classes I am in now and 6 more to start and finish. But the antsy feeling of God working is here now. The time for me to strike out on my own, so to speak, is coming and rather quickly at that. It’s kind of exciting to be honest. Okay, it’s 30% exciting and 70% scary. I’m trying to focus on the excitement, but that antsy feeling is still there. Maybe I’ve just been spinning in my swivel chair too much – somebody get me a hammock.